Happy 39th Dear Me

My birthday month has passed but it didn't pass unnoticed. It began with our family's school break vacation and ended with a beautiful beginning to my 39th year. Family and friends from all over the world, thanks to technology, made it all the more special.

Material presents were thoughtful thoughts and appreciated but the ones that really mattered were the ones that money can't buy ---The Genuine Love and Good Wishes That were sent My Way. I'm sure had my parents been alive to see me now, they'd be proud of the strong person I have become.

Nesting

After years of traveling and living in 3 continents, renting and moving from one residence to another is getting tiresome. Add to that the ever increasing rental prices in the island state where we are now; thoughts of "should haves" do drift along whenever such topic comes up but I can't dwell on that can I?---and it's not too late.

Now, after my little thought adventure of accomplishing something, 'A' kinda read my mind and out of nowhere, the interest to do so seem to be a bubble thought. Calling for some form of sacrifice didn't seem to bother him.

I for one declared that I don't want to stay here forever but even if we don't plan to, it doesn't mean I'm willing to throw away what we can save while still here. The fact that this is our residence now and no one knows where we will be in the next 3-5-7 years; gotta be smarter. Something age makes a person in time obviously.

I'd rather rent a smaller, simpler place for 2 years, save money and then purchase a home here or somewhere and pay for something that's becoming OURS.

Romancing the stone...

DISCLOSURE: I received an email containing these words and I liked it. So I copy/pasted these particular lines here in this blog to serve as my personal reminder for certain things... A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said. No. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever. And he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said.. You're not pretty you're beautiful.... I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...

Me on being 12.

Our marriage is a dozen year old and I couldn't be more impressed at what those years made of us---of ME. The happy times to treasure and the challenging ones that made ME the woman I am now. Most of us know that marriage can be blissful yet can be the most difficult relationship because it's a continuous evolution of two individuals. Similar yet different in various ways.

Without doubt, I am not the same woman he met years back. I neither accept nor live by the phrase, "where's that woman I married?" and vice versa because that person has surely matured physically, emotionally, mentally AND hormonally. Of course we try and keep the good qualities that our partners fell in love with in the first place but come on, I'd probably be bored with myself had I stayed the person I am a decade ago. Insecure. Weak. Dependent.

That was then...I hope I improved a bit ;-) Besides, only a dead butterfly rots in their cocoon right?

So I'm glad to be where I am now. Grateful for the smooth and rough journeys of the past years that showed me what I'm capable of facing and blessed to be in my sturdy shoes.

Riddles for the Soul-O

When everything seemed right and going the right way---here you go again!

You foolish, foolish you. Why the need to come into sight and darken the already brightening view?!

It is clear that things move on despite how strong the pull to not to but still does.

Regrets do not happen because mistakes are made. Regrets happen when what shouldn't couldn't but it did and then the rude awakening that you are where you are when you don't want to but have to.

It doesn't make sense, does it? But surely it does when it doesn't...

Not always A Kid's Game

It was a good afternoon and the kids accompanied our helper do the groceries. The usual exploration of aisles and testing their skills as to what off-the-list item they can sneek in the trolley were expected so the multitasking button was on higher alert and soon enough, they were on their way home.

A brief detour at a small warehouse style store took their attention off the smallest of the group. Some minutes later, a realization that he's nowhere to be found. My daughter, inheriting my paranoid twin, got frantic after our helper called-out loudly for her brother but in vain. She began crying and asking the people in the store, even the passers-by, if they've seen a small boy, this height (gesturing with her hands), wearing a swiss school uniform and so on and so on... they were about to run outside and do further searching when the saleslady told them that he was hiding under the clothes.

Had I been there, I would've scolded him for the panic he has caused but my daughter handled it way better than I would...relieved at the sight of her brother, she sighed and just said, "let's go home now yaya".

Hide and seek, a classic game of kids where they test and challenge their abilities to stay silent and invisible--without realizing it's power to cause fear to those who fail to seek.

I Don't Think We've Met

There are still so many to discover in one's personality which are driven by years, situation and perhaps emotional evolution. Sometimes who you think you knew since childhood has totally become someone else. First you investigate how it happened and then make a verdict according to the scenario you deem right. However, in the process of judging, you forget that you're not in their shoes and perhaps HAVE NOT been in those shoes (yet). Well pray hard that you don't because you wouldn't want to be judged either or worse, you might not know what to do.

People who know me consider me a strong, very social and friendly person. They're right. But there are those who force me to act according to their thoughts and beliefs--just because. They don't realize that my actions are driven by situations I am in and make decisions as I (READ: I) deem necessary for that time. Some may and may not agree to it but we're entitled to our own opinions. I've learned that it's pointless trying to fight the current. "I told you so" lines are annoying whispers because I have a different shoe size...I also know though they don't believe that, that I've given certain things a try before moving forward differently with the hopes that maybe, just maybe, this one works. If the decisions produce positive results, then good. If it doesn't and gets worse, then it is probably how it should be. Only time will tell and I am ready to watch how it turns out---again, may it be good or not.

I cannot and will not live according to what people think but to what suits the time now while considering the pros and consequences of the future.

So if you think you know someone--think again.

Remi-missing

I've been browsing through photos from my CD's and photo sites lately. It's the once in a while moment when you feel like reminiscing and then wonder, where have those days gone? Then asking yourself if you would've lived it differently. I probably would.

This shot was taken in Germany on 2005. It was around end October and actually my favorite season. Autumn.  The little ones and I biked to this playground where I was making photos for memorabilia's sake. I miss this time of the year!

Stop! you human. Always wanting what you don't have. 

Beloved Christian

If you'd ask my family about my reading 'ability', they'd say, "Justice? she doesn't read." bwahaha Am not really a fan of books but there are "chosen ones" that would get my attention. There's no definition of what types I read, it just has to be worth it. Here's a video that caught my hard, sentimental side--and why the book "A Lion called Christian" is worth my time. If this is NOT love, then I don't know what is. I still don't understand why people don't get the difference?

After the doldrums comes well-being

Even before the Christmas season began, I have gained quite an amount of flesh. Not that I'm really horrendously looking but hey, I've managed to be "underweight for my motherly age and frame" of which my doctor has strongly scolded me for. Explaining that my obsession on being thin is wrong. Me being prescribed appetite stimulants is definitely alarming. Though honestly, I wasn't really concerned with it. I just thought I looked fine and happily FIT size 36 clothes, weighing 56 kgs and getting praises from people. So I ignored the seldom (becoming often) dizziness.   You'd see my past posts with me all over and looking okay.     Twas because I was still fine...except the negativity around me.

End 2006 til Q3 2007 it was alright until I started psyching myself to lose more. Guilty of typical human thinking and discontent. But as true as what my mother told me long time ago, the body CAN ONLY take as much (abuse) as it can, then it'll decide when to give up. And yes, it did....(back to first paragraph)

"Practice what you preach." ahhh, the famous quote. I'm supposed to know how CRASH dieting can be damaging to one's body. How healthier it is to lose slowly but surely---I used to scold people for not doing so?! I was a fitness trainer wasn't I? bad, bad me. 

I don't fit a size 36 now, but I fit a 38-40. I think I'm fine with that temporarily and let's see how I progress after this feasting season. At least I'm not having dizzy spells and feelings of blackout.

There are reasons of why such stages in life happen. You go through it and live it. Either succumb to or overcome it.   Then begin again...It's probably the circle of life I have to live.

Turning the table...

Currently in the midst of decision making. Back or not. Yes or no. Try or let it go. All of which were propositions to go forward once more. Perhaps it'll work out, perhaps not. But what are the choices anyway? To either go and bite the bait, enter risky business and be strong OR cower in a corner and be bullied by unimaginable, unpredictable scenarios. 

One becomes different and changes in every chapter. Unconcerned with what is deemed of no real worth to existence. Family and good friends will be there if they're real. If not, then it's not worth ticking the clock for. There are more important things that matter.

When you miss out a period of your life and find it in the most unusual timing, you realize the better half has been hiding way too long. You're not there to please others rather satisfy yourself.---Selfishness and self preservation as I said before have something in common. 

Lesson learned? Life doesn't stop...it makes a pause then finds its way to a probably better road. Just curious why is it that when you don't want anymore, it becomes wanted.     go figure   :-)

Someone once said to me: "the truly happy person is one who still enjoys the scenery even when taking a detour"---hmmm, the detours were worth every turn. 

Living Points

1) Gone are the days of thundering beats
Sunsets and sunrises of infinite blur,
The clouds of grey have failed and moved away
The goal is no longer, 'Come what may...'

                              

2) Lack of time is not the reason why beautiful moments are chosen to be unwritten.....there are those better left untold. 

                              

3) Solitude became a welcomed gift. Selfishness and self-preservation have something in common. We know that.

Where do I begin?....

dadadadadadadadadadadada......so many daily episodes have happened and now I'm left with the dilemma of where to begin where I ended. Ergo, I have obliged myself not to succumb to the excuse of having no time to do so. For one, I do owe (a big) part of my sanity to the emotional release whenever essential.

Thailand proved to be a peacemaker. Not only for the war that is not seen by strangers but for the soul. An eye-opener of where to go from the place that used to be nowhere and no longer afraid whether it will or will not be. Was ready without knowing it because of the fear of the unfamiliar. Truth is, I can exist as is. It's the thought that made me think I can't.

Nuf said for now.

Here are some scenes of more stories to come...suites facing the beach, sunset view from the pool villa area, lighthouse in the eastern part of the island, sunset shot from our place, who else ;-) and the lounging chairs we owe our fabulous tans from.

Pondering in Poetry

When all the world slept,
You held me in my cradle
When all the world cried,
You stood by my side...

Comfort cannot be bought.
Love cannot be sought.
Both are given full heartedly,
And is offered so dearly...

***edited***

Great Sacrifices

I'm touched...

The Dawning of 2008!

Though 2007 seemed to just have slipped away with various life challenges for myself and everyone around me,---it has strengthened me in its oddest way.

What lies ahead is unforeseen. I'm not saying I'm ready for it but I will face it step-by-step and MY WAY.

The skies aren't that blue yet but I've gone this far...

Food For The Soul

"When you are at the end of your rope, God is there to catch you—but not before." (disclosure: got this quote from a forwarded email. I forgot who quoted this.)

No impossibility is given without a possibility... sometimes we just have to wait. All right then. Patience is a virtue...I'm your student.

Betting The Bet

Selections only come once in a lifetime, but when they do, it's mind boggling!

Just as I was in the prelude of what I could call "something"--- another pops up and I once again have to chew the cud.

I'm a "jack-lyn of all trades", I believe that everything can be learned as long as you're willing to. That not all things can be taught lest you are IN it.

Weigh girl, weigh. The cards are now open for your bet. All you have to do is choose the right one that will let you play further...

Not for the weak of heart...

Dim the lights, turn up the volume and close your eyes...some of you might be in for a sentimental ride...

Splendid Moments

We usually think that we are in control of our days. Of what will happen and should happen...yes, perhaps partly true. But then there are moments wherein we just lose control and we realize that we are not really on top of all things. We get tired and frustrated, we make mistakes.---we're all not strangers to these realities.

You are just nearing the peak and about to give up, then you are given these words:

"Lord, grant me the light this day in the unseen realm to see how your strength is greater than any foe that threatens to assail me. Open my eyes, Lord! Remind me of your awesome power and unlimited resources, and then let me take courage because you are fighting for me!"

Read between the lines...there is nothing to worry about.